10. The Cheat to Win Bracelet

Make your hippie friend look twice. Then lamp him in the face and flick the bracelet into his eye. A real friend-winner.

9. The Professional Whisk set

With 28 tennis-elbow inducing whisks, this is the one to give to your wife or girlfriend. Or even BOTH!

8. “I wish I Were Dead” Mug

Make your coworkers shifty and nervous that you may likely snap and shoot them all – hurray for open plan!

7. Ho Ho Ho – I saw You Masturbating Xmas Cards

THE best xmas card to send late – it’s like Santa was biding his time, watching you all thw hile. PAEDO!

6. Jesus is My Health Insurance T-Shirt

There are so many Tees out there these days – why not wear ALL of them AT ONCE? Leave this one on the outside though. otherwise you’d look weird.

5. The Visorganiser

Hate being popular? Want to look like a complete dolt? This turns your hat into another pocket! Walk around with everything all the time FOREVER!

4. A self-referential tote bag

Good job there’s a French stick in that photo, so the model could conceal his raging hard-on at the prospect of having this AMAZING product. GET FIVE. THEN GET MORE ARMS TO HOLD THEM ALL!

3. No Trans-Fatties bumper Sticker

Watch out if you’re a chubber AND behind THIS car. You just got served, girl(or boy-)friend! And not in the way that your nine meals a day go. HA! FAT!

2. Peaceful Progression Smoke Alarm

Alarms are really harsh these days. I mean what ifn you’re asleep? It might wake you up or something. Screw that. I’d rather burn to death to the sound of a forest of tranquility. Get a soothing alarm today!

1. All of the above!

Doesn’t get any better than having all of them. Walk round like a satire-prone blinged out Irony Pimp with all this posh tosh hanging off you like it’s Xmas.