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Google are great at many things. And April Fool jokes are a particular forte of theirs. In recent years Google has released fictional drinks, Gmail Paper (a service that prints out and delivers your emails in hard copy), Google Romance, and a slew of other insanities. And as a rule they are very funny.
Today’s excellent submission is the “Future Search” – covered by News.com.au, the site states:
Google Australia said the new beta search technology which drives the gDay search feature can accurately predict future internet content – and even future events.
The gDay technology – developed in the company’s Sydney engineering centre – uses machine learning and artificial intelligence techniques from a system called MATE, or Machine Automated Temporal Extrapolation.
10. The Cheat to Win Bracelet
Make your hippie friend look twice. Then lamp him in the face and flick the bracelet into his eye. A real friend-winner.
9. The Professional Whisk set
With 28 tennis-elbow inducing whisks, this is the one to give to your wife or girlfriend. Or even BOTH!
8. “I wish I Were Dead” Mug
Make your coworkers shifty and nervous that you may likely snap and shoot them all – hurray for open plan!
7. Ho Ho Ho – I saw You Masturbating Xmas Cards
THE best xmas card to send late – it’s like Santa was biding his time, watching you all thw hile. PAEDO!
There are so many Tees out there these days – why not wear ALL of them AT ONCE? Leave this one on the outside though. otherwise you’d look weird.
5. The Visorganiser
Hate being popular? Want to look like a complete dolt? This turns your hat into another pocket! Walk around with everything all the time FOREVER!
4. A self-referential tote bag
Good job there’s a French stick in that photo, so the model could conceal his raging hard-on at the prospect of having this AMAZING product. GET FIVE. THEN GET MORE ARMS TO HOLD THEM ALL!
3. No Trans-Fatties bumper Sticker
Watch out if you’re a chubber AND behind THIS car. You just got served, girl(or boy-)friend! And not in the way that your nine meals a day go. HA! FAT!
2. Peaceful Progression Smoke Alarm
Alarms are really harsh these days. I mean what ifn you’re asleep? It might wake you up or something. Screw that. I’d rather burn to death to the sound of a forest of tranquility. Get a soothing alarm today!
Doesn’t get any better than having all of them. Walk round like a satire-prone blinged out Irony Pimp with all this posh tosh hanging off you like it’s Xmas.
A Follow-up to yesterday’s post – after almost 500 comments on Digg, here are the best crazy and profane names from round the world as submitted by Digg Users. No offense to the actual people, all of our names are funny to someone somewhere.
Even names like “Suckmyballs Cockface”.
So here’s the 8 best ones:
8. Steven C Bahls – old college President Biography at http://www.augustana.edu/president/biography.php
7. Anil Diqshit – similar named man here http://www.cese.iitb.ac.in/people/facinfo.php?id=dikshit A Hatian fellow named
6. Gay Love – Chairman of Printpack (http://hoovers.com/printpack/–ID__43085–/free-co-factsheet.xhtml)
5. Dick Pound – (a hilarious book by him features an appropriate front cover at http://www.business-in-asia.com/books/images/inside_olympic.jpg)
4. Rose Mary Marlo sounds like “Fuck em everyday” in Hindi – a nice submission proving that hilarious names are worldwide. A fact that makes me very happy.
3. Mike Hunt - nuff said. A sheriff by that name is found here: http://www.aikencountysheriff.org/
And here’s a Mike C Hunt – http://ego.uwaterloo.ca/~uwdir/Search?uwuserid=mchun
2. Mike Hawk – Youtube video of a speech about him http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=J3qj4KX6yXw
Lucious Pusey – http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/player/profile?playerId=148900
1. Suk Wang - http://nature.skku.ac.kr/~acoustic/user/k-sukwang.html
Hans M Barstad – real man, real handsome…NOT – blogged by bethemedia: http://bethemedia.livejournal.com/22597.html
Best Comment by soot:
“You are traveling in comfort with Chew Kok”
The fuck I am.
Great video, very funny . “Protecting the nation’s borders? I have 2 words. Chuck Norris.”
Shame both are crazy Christians. Oh and that Norris is actually suing someone for publishing the Chuck Norris Facts. Nice work being original for once though. Completely avoided speaking about any real issues. Good.
I love comedy. Hahahahahahha – see? So here, to honour the best internet sites that get me trousering myself raucously and laughing harder than when I get searched at airports, I’ve compiled the ten best ones.
10. Modern Humorist
I found this site back in 1999 when the internet was one dimentional. As such it was my first favorite (apart from hotmail.com with it’s 10 Megabyte limit.) Just some of the nostalgia tearjerkers include the Cliche Trailer, the excellent ‘Racist At the Movies’ literally made me cackle with irony, and just wait til you see Monkey Hot-or-Not. Modern Humorist, I’ll miss you.
9. TV Go Home
Also Defunct, it still outstrips any other parody site because it’s just SO AWESOME. Written by Charlie Brooker, it lampoons TV guides. Hours of fun to be had. In recent years Brooker has gone on to write Nathan Barley, and the wonderful ScreenWipe on BBC Four.
After semi-retirement, Cracked made a relaucnhed appearance (much like OJ Simpson) and was great from the word go. Especially good are the “Top Ten” roundups-which invariably feature expertly collated Yourube vids. Oh and Maddox from Thebestpageintheuniverse.com writes for them too (despite the apparent retraction of the fantastic ‘Requiem for Britney’s Vagina.’)
Angry, rude, and a wind-up merchant all round, Maddox writes like he’s just found out that you left him out of your will, and you have really kickass stuff. Great drawings, ultimately a leftie of the Hunter Thompson ilk, but rarely updated, this kid is a whole lot of fun. Good merchandise site, and Youtube vids now also exist.
6. The Onion.
Yes, yes – sometimes they go on a bit too much for each story. Sometimes it seems like you’ve heard it all before. But sit on the toilet with one of their annual publications and you’ll shit yourself for hours. Particularly good are the recurring Vox Pop articles.
Semi-editorial, semi-written by some bloke down the pub, Newsbiscuit is a niche UK indie electronic rag filled with Spoof News that would impress even Chris Morris or Armando Iannucci. Always original and crazy. FUN!
Niche Market – speak German? Well then, forget it. Titanic is a german speaking magazine. In November they mocked the Maddie McCann media circus by writing an article that showed off new Maddie related Products – see here for more. Angry, undermining, the last thing it seems is German.
3. Whitehouse.org (well, and whitehouse.gov really)
The guys at Chickenhead.com are great at satirising right-wing America. Whitehouse.org is one of the may websites they run, and they are consistently hilarious. For more also check out Chickenhead.com
Again, one from the ‘Old Web’ – Landover (and Betty Bowers, a partner site) furiously send up the religiousright. They do it so damn well that when I saw some program on Westboro Baptist Church with Fred Phelps and his clan ofhate yelling ‘fag’ at anything that moved, I thought it was ll a stunt by Pastor Fred. It’s all here, including Video and Audio. In the form of the GodCast.
1. The Chaser Online
The World at large was raucously made aware of Australia’s Chaser team in 2007 during Sydney’s APEC conference when they breached top level red-zone security in the lockled down city centre by getting past 3 sets of guards by pretending to be the Canadian Delegation. Whilst filming themselves on handheld cameras. And wearing badges that said ‘Insecurity’ instead of ‘security’. And whilst dressed as Osama bin Laden. No shit. Features great articles and video clips.
Thanks to Norris suing the Chuck Norris Facts Book recently published, an organic search for Chuck Norris now brings up the hilarious site of the Chuck Norris Facts before it brings up the actual man.
Hurrah! Fiction wins out over real life to claim the ‘truth crown.’
Unfortunately, whilst a search for Santorum still yields the definition of “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” above homophobic cock Senator Rick Santorum, “Rick Santorum” however still brings up Rick Santorum, rather than the sex-lather “Santorum”.
That is all.
Except we should now consider doing the same thing for Bruce Campbell, since the man is busy making fictional films whilst playing the real Bruce Campbell in them…what a legend.
As with any job that surrounds its employees with specific, recurring odd situations, slanguage develops. If you spend many years as a media tit, no doubt you end up spewing TLAs (Three-Letter-Acronyms, a nice self-referential phrase) because your predicament is unique, isolated and predictable. hence you have pre-fabbed phrases that refer to your daily grind.
It’s even better, however, when such slang occurs within places that hold a certain reverence normally; say a hospital, where people in need and trauma are dealt with on a day to day basis. The Daily Telegraph in the UK has found that some UK hospitals have secret slang for colleagues or even for patient types (ie, ones with hilariously unbelievable reasons for getting that jam jar stuck in their anus, such as – ‘Well, I sat down really hard on this chair, see, and I completely forgot that there was a massive jam jar there, and it went right up my trouser sock’ etc etc). There’s even a dictionary – compiled by a consultant in palliative medicine, Paul Keeley, of Glasgow Royal Informary.
Here are some of the best ones:
‘Hasselhoff’, – a patient who gives doctors in accident and emergency a bizarre explanation for their injury, coined after former Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff said last year that he had hit his head on a chandelier while shaving.
Disco biscuit is an ecstasy tablet (actually common drug slang anyway)
Father Jack – a Father Ted reference, is a confused and elderly patient who constantly shouts and tries to get out of bed.
Blamestorming – a session of mutual recrimination in which a team tries to find someone to blame for an error.
MacTilt – describes how a Macmillan nurse tilts his or her head to convey sympathy
Jack Bauer – describes a doctor who is still up and working after 24 hours – after the lead character from the TV series 24.